Do you know what love is?
by o calcutta
Summary: Hermione is in love with a person who will never love her back. But while she tries to prove to him that she's worthy, she starts recieving anonymous love letters. Could this be an answer to her prayers, or just a cruel joke?Better than it sounds,i promis
1. Default Chapter

A/N: hello, it was time to write a new fic, so here it is!! Hope you enjoy! Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Harry Potter. bla  
  
Was it wrong for her to look lustfully at him, for her eyes to stray over to his corner of the room whenever they yearned for a taste of his face? Whenever she looked at him, her stomach started to jounce around like a hyperactive jumping spider and her eyes watered and her brain felt numb, like she had had too much caffeine. Her body shivered and stung and her hands trembled like dew on the tip of a leaf whenever he walked past. How could she not want him, not want him to see her, to love her?  
  
Hermione smoothed down the pleats of her skirt and shook her head slightly to clear her mind. She looked up at the blackboard where professor McGonnigal was explaining how to transfigure a banana slug into a pickle. She had been day dreaming again. She glanced in Draco's direction. It seemed that ever since she had fallen for him, her life had halted abruptly, turned inside out, and then started spinning in the opposite direction. She was left reeling, without bearings, trying to hang on to the shards of the life that she had led up till now.  
  
Throughout class, she kept sneaking looks, and to her combined horror and joy, whenever she peeked at him she saw that he was looking at her. Near the end of class, she looked at him from the corner of her eye. Her heart seemed to wriggle spasmodically in her chest like a larvae in it's death throes. Draco gave her a wink and she seemed to shrivel and buldge and disappear and explode at the same time. Her quill fell from her shaking fingers. Draco turned to whisper something quietly into Crabbe's ear. Crabbe sniggered silently and Draco gave Hermione a sarcastic little wave, a snide smile, and then he mouthed 'Mudblood' at her. Hermione turned away quickly, blushing and started furiously to take notes, to hide her mortification. No. He would never love her.  
  
When she reached the common room after Transfiguration, she collapsed into an armchair with relief. When class had been dismissed, Harry and Ron had gone down to lunch and she had made her way upstairs. She had been followed by a gang of Slytherin's from class who where all throwing snide comments at her, most of them somewhat like "Hey mudblood, is it true that you are in love with Draco?" the comments were not only extremely true, but they were exactly what she didn't want. She KNEW she had no chance with him, did they need to rub it in? And had she been that obvious?  
  
Hermione sat with Ron and Harry and Ginny at breakfast in the Great Hall. Sighing, she peered up at the overcast ceiling. Gray and purple tinged clouds choked the sky and blotted out the sun. If the clouds were any sign, it was going to rain later on, and she had care of magical creatures. Why was suddenly everything going wrong?? She took a slow bite of oatmeal and turned casually towards the Slytherin table. Draco seemed to sense her eyes, because he looked up and blew her a kiss. The Slytherin table rang with derisive laughter. Hermione spat out a large mouthful of oatmeal all over Ginny. Hermione turned around stiffly and held up her morning copy of the Daily Prophet to hide her tears.  
  
When Hermione reached the dormitory to collect her books for class, she was startled to see a plain envelope sitting on her bedspread. The envelope was addressed to her in tight, anonymous cursive. It had no stamp, so it must have been put there personally. She slit the seal of the letter and slowly pulled out the parchment within. Holding her breath, she unfurled the letter. Her heart leaped into her throat and started doing a tap dance.  
  
My Love, (the letter read.) I give you this letter in hopes that you may better understand my love for you. What I will say here, I cannot say to you in person, both because I fear that I will not have the right words and because I do not want to embarrass you in any way by association with me. I know that I have not always paid you back for you kindnesses to me. It is hard for me to be around you, as I get so nervous I can scarcely breath. Your beauty echoed through the halls of my mind this summer, and yet, the echoes were mere shadow compared to your true beauty. I wish nothing but to please you, but my attempts don't usually come out right. My dearest wish is that you will figure out (with that famed brain of yours) who I am, and that you will not hate me for loving you. I do hope that with my stumbling words, I have been able to capture some of the emotion that runs through me whenever you are present.  
Love Always,  
Your Admirer  
  
Hermione made to sit down on her bed, but missed and fell to the floor, where she stayed, clutching the letter and staring at it until the five minute bell rang. She jumped up and raced through the portrait hole, still grasping the letter, completely forgetting her books. Could this letter be the answer to her unspoken prayers? Could Draco really love her? Or was this a joke played at her expense?  
  
A/N: Well?????? I know that it's kind of sloppy, I don't really know if I like it myself yet. But if you want me to update, then I need reviews. I need at least 2 to continue with the story. 


	2. flashback

A/N: ok, ok, here it is. Thanks to all of my reviewers. Here are some notes for all of you:  
  
Sugar-coated sushi---thanks for the feedback. And per your suggestion, I decided to write this chappie to explain why Hermione fell in love with him.  
  
Senna---Thanks for the review!  
  
Granger17---I definitely agree about the unrealistic part, which is what makes D/H soooo much fun.  
  
Emma Lovegood---you can't intimidate me, Emma, I too know where you sleep.. Remember that. Loveya  
  
lynn---I'm glad that you like it!  
  
Ok, here it goes!  
  
It had started at the beginning of sixth year, Hermione's love for Draco. She knew that it was stupid, but she couldn't stop. Draco had begun to appear kinder in her eyes. Or perhaps it was the Howler that put it into perspective a bit for her and everyone.  
  
The Howler came in the mail on the drizzly morning of the beginning of term. Even the Gryffendors on the opposite side of the room from the Slytherins heard Draco's yell when his morning mail came, delivering the scarlet envelope. All heads turned as Draco jumped from his seat and tore into the entrance hall. But even though there were two thick doors between the great hall and the entrance hall, all ears in the great hall could hear as the Howler burst open. DRACO! THE MINUTE YOU WERE BORN I TOLD YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU WERE NO GOOD AND THAT YOU WOULD BRING OUR FAMILY DOWN IN THE WORLD. AND NOW THIS!!!!!! YOU SLOBBERING, FILTHY, HALFBRED SLOB! HOW COULD YOU WITHHOLD INFORMATION FROM ME, PARTICULARLY THIS TYPE OF INFORMATION. AND THEN THERE'S YOUR GRADES. CATASROPHIC! YOU WILL DO BETTER, DRACO HORATIO MALFOY, OR I WILL CURSE YOU INTO OBLIVION. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?  
  
A ringing silence echoed and swarmed around the Great Hall. And then Dumbledore had stood and said, in his magisterial voice "Well, eat!" and chatter had commenced.Draco hadn't been in potions later that day, and Hermione suspected that the red rims under his eyes that she saw later in Herbology weren't from lack of sleep.  
  
The Howler had made Hermione realize that Draco couldn't be pure git. Before, she had thought that he was snide and competitive because he was evil. But now she found herself thinking that Draco was cruel to others to protect himself, and that really, he was just a sweet boy born into the wrong family when she ran this theory by Harry and Ron, they both vehemently disagreed. But, Hermione still kept a little seed of hope in her brain, fertilizing, until the day came that she would have true proof of his true nature that would turn the seed into a blossom.  
  
The proof came soon, and also in the form of mail. It came in a letter that Dumbledore received at breakfast one morning. Dumbledore never received mail in the Great Hall, so, naturally, everyone was curious. Heads turned to look up at the teacher's table, and students meandered casually close, to try and get a glimpse under the pretext of crossing over to another house table. An even greater oddity was when Dumbledore levered himself out of his chair, whispered a few words into Professor McGonnagal's ear, and left the Great Hall. All of the students turned and began to yammer and conjecture to their neighbors.  
  
Hermione found later what that letter was. Harry had been having bad dreams again, prophetic dreams, and Dumbledore was instructing him in Occlumency. When Harry came for his afterhours lesson, Dumbledore had said "Yes, er, Harry, I have some small business to attend to, please wait for me here." And he had left out of a small side door in his office. Harry had stood idly for a few minutes, talking to Fawkes, and then he had seen the letter lying on the desk. Never being one who could contain his curiosity, Harry had picked up the letter and read it with astonishment.  
  
It was a letter from Arthur Weasley who had heard of the and incedent involving the Malfoy family. The letter detailed how Draco Malfoy had withheld information on the goings on of Voldemort that he had heard through Crabbe, and that he was supposed to relay to his father(who had recently escaped from Azkaban). His father had finally found the information out and had sent Malfoy the Howler. Malfoy, in return, had sent a letter back home, saying that he had withheld the information on purpose and that he didn't want to waste his life away in the service of another. Most of all, he had said he didn't want to end up like his father. In response, Lucius Malfoy had disowned Draco from the family. It was now Dumbledore's job to find a place for Malfoy to stay. Arthur suggested later in the letter that Malfoy should stay at #12, Grimmauld place next summer.  
  
Harry couldn't finish the letter, however, because he could hear Dumbledore approaching the office and he had to drop the letter hurriedly back on the desk. Later, after Occlumency, Harry had relayed the incedent to Hermione and Ron, and all of the contents of the letter that he remembered.  
  
This letter was Hermione's proof. She had already had a small crush on Malfoy before. He was mean to her, it was true, but his blonde hair, and gray-green eyes haunted Hermione, and each time he taunted her, she kept a secret hope that he was just lashing out because of his home life, and she liked him all the more.  
  
But she doubted herself. It seemed that ever since the letter detailing his eviction from the family, nothing had changed in Draco. She tried every day to see past his exterior into the sweetness that she was sure was inside, like a honeycomb, spiky on the outside, dripping with honey on the inside. Every day that she tried to figure him out, she just found herself being drawn like a magnet to it's exact opposite magnet. Rather than feeling like she was gaining knowledge, she felt like she was careening out of control into a black hole.  
  
She usually stayed within the safe circle of her knowledge and her books. Now, in her infatuation and love, she felt as if she were a trapeze artist. She could almost feel herself letting go of the trapeze and flying out into space. It looked like a long way down to fall, and she didn't know if she could catch herself. When had she gone from a literary recluse to a trapeze artist? She was scared for her safety. 


	3. he loves me, he loves me not

A/N: OOOOOOOKKKKKK just for the record, guys, the letter might NOT be from Malfoy! So, just keep that in mind as the plot progresses. Hermione just hopes that it was from him. So. I am really thrilled that I got so many reviews. It is the most reviews that I have ever received for only two chappies! I will write all you reviewers notes at the end of the chapter. So. Hope you guys like this next installment......

Hermione collapsed on her bed and lay there, her eyes zooming across the ceiling, and her heart skittering through her chest like an out of control ice skater. She had discovered another letter from her secret admirer, but this time, she had found it in her copy of Hogwarts, A History. This letter had been even sweeter than the last, and it left Hermione breathless, just thinking on it. She tried taking deep breaths, but her lungs were shaking and bubbling, and she could only gasp.

Even through her euphoria, she didn't dare hope that the letter was from who she hoped it was. Even if the only hand that she could imagine ever writing such eloquent verses to her was Malfoy's. She stood, quivering, from the bed and strode over to the table at the foot of her bed, willing her knees not to wobble too badly. She doused her face with water from the basin at the foot of her four-poster and dried it vigorously. She stared into the mirror above the wash basin at her reflection, and for the first time, as she looked, she allowed herself to like her reflection. Over the last year, her hair had grown out more, allowing it to tame it's somewhat out of control curliness into more sedate ringlets. Her eyes were a pretty brown, and her petite nose was scattered with small freckles. She was no beauty, it was true, but she was past her awkward stage.

Hermione pulled herself away from her reflection and went to her wardrobe to get a clean set of robes to throw over her clothes. She then strode over to the door, with her whole being vibrating like an electric circuit. As she made her way down the stairway, she almost ran headlong into Parvati. Muttering a hurried apology, Hermione hurried past Parvati and downstairs. As she walked down to breakfast, down the empty Transfiguration hallway, she saw someone stooped over a split bag, picking up quills and books and ink bottles. Hermione couldn't see who it was, but she jogged over to help the person. As she strode over, the sight of a white-blonde head stopped her in her tracks, but only for a moment. This was her chance to prove that she didn't like Malfoy.

She leaned down and picked up a rumpled copy of The Standard Book of Spells Grade 6 and Malfoy looked up and saw who was helping him. Instead of grinning cruelly, like Hermione expected him to, he just smiled with a twinge of relief. He held out his hand and Hermione placed his book in it. "Thanks, Granger" he said, and smiled tentatively at her. For the first time, Hermione could see the purple rings around his eyes. His skin was pale, and his eyes were red and sad. Hermione clamped her hands to quell the urge to smooth the hair out of his face, and she merely nodded curtly, smiled a ghost of a smile, and turned stiff-leggedly to walk away. It was difficult for her to walk, because she felt as if a tree had suddenly sprouted out of her head, and she was having trouble balancing her head on her shoulders. It felt like hot coals had been placed in her brain and her mind was slowly being seared away. All the way down the hall, she could feel his eyes on her, and she wanted to turn around so badly, but she made herself keep walking.

As she walked into the entrance hall and over to Ron and Harry and Ginny, she felt as if all eyes were on her, watching her stilted progress, on legs frozen straight, with a burning brain, and trembling heart. As she sat down, Ginny said "why are you so red, Hermione?" Hermione touched her face and said "am I really red?" when Ginny nodded, Hermione muttered vehemently under her breath. So much for acting like she didn't care about Malfoy. As her bio rhythms returned to normal, she ate her toast and tried not to gag on it, as it made its way down her constricted throat. What was happening to her? Could she not even control her own body? She hated being so out of control. She drank her orange juice so fast that she choked and spluttered. Ginny moved a bit out of the way and said "Just stay away from the oatmeal, I don't want that incident to be repeated." Hermione smiled through her coughing fit and put a napkin up to her face.

A/N: Well??? Ok, as promised, here are the reviewer notes

Senna: thanks, I tried to do that

BeansRyummy: thank you beanbean, but I wont be necessary to get my autograph. Because you will be my friend when I am famous, and that will be even better than an autograph, because you will get publicity. Haha. Just joking. Loveya!

Berlinchick90: you need to update too, Kaitlyn! That is how you spell your name, right?? prolly not, but anywho. Thanks, for the review!

Emma Lovegood: you are terrible! You haven't updated for so long! I wont even talk to you anymore. I may call later, though. Oh, Phoebe isn't there still, is she? Well I will just have to talk to you (sigh)

Flutechick: I agree about the unrealistic thing. Glad you like the story.

Angel: thank you! That makes me feel so special.

Timra: Well, I can't tell you, but......maybe you are right.

Ms. Lit: thanks for the compliment, the one thing I must say is that the letter MIGHT NOT BE FROM MALFOY. Just be patient, you will see.

TomFeltonLover29: Thanks for reviewing, and keep reviewing. I get discouraged when I don't get any reviews.

Lita: She doesn't. she just hopes it's from him. That's all. Thanks for the review!

All right, now, I will review soon if you guys like this chapter, but if you don't then I can stop at any time. Until next time, au'revior!........tanna(the author)hahah....


	4. snowflakes

A/N: Well. 4th chapter. Woohoo. Read it. Review it. Thanks.

Hermione sat at a table by a snow-covered window in the corner of the common room. She watched the drifting snowflakes as they tapped against the windowpane and slid down, melting as they touched the heated glass. She wished more than anything she could be one of those bunches of ice crystals. Hurling herself without a purpose towards the slick surface without direction or a plan for the future. It seemed like a simple life free from any of the cares she felt now, free from worries about the Arithmancy test she had the next day, free from the things she felt, all the emotions that tore through her heart every day.

Why was love invented? It seemed like the only thing it ever brought was confusion. She brushed a stray strand of hair out of her eyes. That day in class, she had looked at Malfoy, and at that moment, she realized that he would never lover her like she loved him. She knew it deep inside her heart, deep inside her brain. It was the deepest truth and she knew it like she knew her own heart. It was like the ringing of the school bell, clear and firm, the ringing of the truth.

The knowledge stung her soul. It was like poison had been placed there and she had just now discovered its presence there. Even as she sat staring out the window, she felt her soul shriveling into a creature that she couldn't name, that she didn't want to name. She stared down at her fingers as they rested in her lap. They looked dead, curled around each other. She could not stand to look at any part of herself.

She stared at the unopened envelope lying on her lap, addressed to her in that same cursive that she had come to love. It was pointless, really, to hope that it was from Malfoy...after all, she had just figured out that he was in love with another – and she wished him and Parvati the best, however much it hurt her to admit that she was not the object of his affections. She had seen him and Parvati off in a corner, giggling over something and she had brushed it off as something pertaining to school. Then in class, when Parvati had sat down next to Malfoy, and he had looked at her with the same longing that Hermione felt every time she looked at Draco, Hermione had realized that her fantasies were just that – fantasies. Draco had looked up at Hermione with only mild indifference yet when he turned to look at Parvati, there was something deeper there.

Parvati had deserted her best friend Lavender, to sit next to the most loathed Slytherin 6th year. There was something more there than a harmless friendship. Hermione stared once more at the window and saw the reflection of the fireplace floating on the frosted glass. She felt her fingers stiffen around the envelope as she tore it in half, into quarters, into eighths and she let the pieces float to the floor. She let her heart float down and down and down among the pieces of hopeful paper. Her heart landed on the cold ground and only she saw it drift to the snowy bottom of her soul. No one was there to pick it up, except for her, and she couldn't be bothered to pick up the remains of her tattered dreams just now. She watched the drifting snowflakes as they tapped against the windowpane.


	5. like a bird

A/N: short chappie, yes….but it is a chappie nonetheless….hope u enjoy and I hope it isn't too dark or sad or nething….R&R plz. Thanks.

Disclaimer: I own no rights to Harry Potter.

Hermione threw her books on the ground next to a plush armchair in the Gryffindor common room. She felt lightheaded and closer to the outer edges of herself than usual. She felt that if she was jolted particularly hard that she would bethrown right out of her skin. She threw herself across the room, attempting to shake herself awake, or shake herself outside of herself. It wasn't working.

She flung herself into a chair next to her books and put her head in her hands. No one else was in the room. She begin to rock back and forth, her eyes leaking all the sorrow and hate and jealousy and fear that she had kept within herself for so long. No one witnessed the divulging of her most secret fears. She was all alone.

Finally, she wiped her eyes and sat up. She felt drained, like someone had sucked out her heart and her insides, leaving her a hollow shell. She didn't feel better, she felt raw and open. Her pulse beat rapidly and she breathed shallowly, like a thin-boned bird.

She gathered herself around her broken soul and left the room, one silent, cold tear making a track down her face.


End file.
